


cowardice

by rioverua



Series: in retrospect (i’m going soft) [2]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, The Mandalorian (TV)
Genre: Ahsoka Tano Needs a Hug, Angst, Angst and Feels, Character Study, Din Djarin Needs a Hug, Gen, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Inner Dialogue, Psychological study, Self-Hatred, Soft Din Djarin, Stream of Consciousness, hey that rhymes, he’s such a dad but he’s also sad, im trying to pull apart din’s inner feelings if i were in his shoes, implied/referenced anakin skywalker, purposeful tense shifts, spoilers for mandalorian chapter 13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-11-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:28:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27773827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rioverua/pseuds/rioverua
Summary: din wanted to call her a coward.-“and i’m scared, ‘cause it means i’m a little bit soft”
Relationships: Baby Yoda (The Mandalorian TV) & Din Djarin, Din Djarin & His Feelings
Series: in retrospect (i’m going soft) [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1572556
Comments: 8
Kudos: 156





	cowardice

**Author's Note:**

> i rise from the grave to present to u... din djarin angst
> 
> i’m unbelievably angsty rn and i decided to project on my fav comfort character while trying to make it seem like something he would feel. i think i, from a psychological standpoint, hit the nail straight on. also, the new episode was so badass and i can’t wait for what’s to come. inspired by a certain song i’ll drop in the notes below
> 
> also din djarin pls marry me i love u
> 
> enjoy :)
> 
> (also, i didn’t check for any spelling or grammatical errors bc i’m built like that, so if u catch any lmk!)

Din wanted to call her a coward.

He kept up his word, he finished his end of the deal and she _still_ refused. She saw the kid’s potential, hell, she even _talked_ to him (to which he still feels a morsel of guilt at that, that he assumed the kid didn’t understand, couldn’t understand every word he said—people called the kid a _pet_ , and he never refuted it. Kriff, he had called him a mere trophy of luck that he carried around. Din just hoped that the kid, with an intellect that he should have guessed a creature of fifty would have, understood the words as they truly were—just a lie to protect him.) and yet, the Jedi would not keep up her end of the deal.

He tried to ignore the pure warmth he felt when she said the kid had become _attached_ to him—and how was that? How could he, when Din puts him in harm's way every day, when he leaves him in the cold silence of the Crest for days at a time searching for a measly bounty that could barely pay for both their meals? How could that child, who has helped Din in more ways than he could describe, who _saved his life_ , grow attached to a gruff Mandalorian who has barely any sense of family, let alone love? _Attachment_. It was a bittersweet sentiment.

Tano said Din was like a father to him. He tried to push down the happiness swelling inside his chest, he really did. He didn’t deserve the kid’s love. She didn’t understand, he _couldn’t_ have this. He can’t have the kid, and the kid can’t have him. He lives a life that barely leaves him unscathed, a bone-deep exhaustion that stayed with him ever since he put on the helmet and swore himself to a creed he’s starting to doubt in the back of his mind. She had to take the kid away from Din before his own attachment grew too large to lock away.

Din wanted to call her a coward, but deep down he could see a dark sadness in her eyes. Her voice changed when she said those words. It was thicker, it wavered when she spoke.

_“To the best of us.”_

Din was not well educated in the ways of the Jedi. Until the kid, it was not his knowledge to know, and even when the kid came into his life, Jedi were still a rare fable, a hushed whisper behind Imperial soldiers, an inked word onto old history parchments. As far as Din was concerned, they were dead and gone and no use to him. Din did not know of the rules and the law of the Jedi, but he followed a creed too. He had his way, and the Jedi had theirs. Tano said that feelings would intercept the kid’s training, would make him vulnerable, _dark_. She had her way. Din had to respect it, too.

He wanted to call her a coward. But he could tell, he could _see_ that she had gone through something far worse than Din could ever imagine. When she would talk, her eyes would sometimes unfocus, like she was reliving old memories right in front of him. Din was always good at reading people—he had to be, as a bounty hunter. Had to know someone’s tics, if they were going to attack—he had to know what they were planning before they even acted. Even if it happened for a split second, she looked scared when she spoke of attachments and the Jedi way. She looked a monument of things—guilty, sorrowful, angry—all things Din couldn’t understand and might never.

He wanted to call her a coward, but how could he, when he wants to push away the one thing that has given him a sliver of happiness in his life, when all he does is run, when all he’s been doing is running away from everything—his past, his problems, the kid, his feelings. Kriff, he knows he would give anything and everything for that child, he _knows_ , and he can’t afford that. He can’t afford to be… what? A caretaker? A _father?_

He can’t afford to be that to the kid. Something so feeble, so meaningful, so _short_ —he can’t have that, for the kid’s sake. For the kid’s sake.

Din knew he was a coward. He knew he was a coward when he was fighting with himself over storming back into the Imperial base and taking back the kid, he knew he was a coward when he unscrews the metal ball from the flight panel and hands it to the kid, he _knows_ he’s a coward when his voice cracks as he says goodbye.

He knows he’s a coward when a rush of relief flows through him when Tano refuses to train the kid. He tries to be angry at her. He tries to push the kid away. 

But how can he? How can he, when deep down he _knows_ that he never wanted to leave the kid. How can he, when the moment the kid saved him from the mudhorn, something unlocked inside him? How can he, when the only person he should be angry with is himself?

Din knows he’s a coward. But right now, as he lifts off from the planet, away from Ahsoka Tano, away from the Jedi, with his kid playing in the backseat of the cockpit, the metal ball still unscrewed, basking in the familiarity of it all, of his _attachment_ … he decides to save it for another day.

**Author's Note:**

> “and i grew tough cause love it only hurt me back  
> but loving you is a good problem to have  
> and i’m used to that but i could get used to this”  
> -monster, from adventure time
> 
> that song is platonically din and the kid’s, you can’t change my mind
> 
> also pls leave kudos and comments, it boosts my ego


End file.
